


she is gone, but she used to be mine

by sapphicserena (orphan_account)



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 23:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9147559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sapphicserena
Summary: Based on She Used to Be Mine from Waitress the Musical. A series of memories from Bernie's life.





	

_It's not easy to know_  
_I'm not anything like I used to be_

Bernie stands, staring at herself in the mirror. She thinks of how she looked when she was fifteen years old before life had taken its toll on her. Her hair had been longer then but just as wild and she had been shorter but always taller than her peers – she was struck with a memory of being shoved to the back with the boys for a school photo, all the girls snickering as they lay their hands daintily over their laps in the front row. Young Bernie didn't mind too much, she glared at the boys who teased her and scoffed at the girls who made remarks, unafraid to stand her ground.

Bernie almost laughs at how different she is, despite the looks. Here she is, standing in a dingy flat in bloody Kiev of all places, all because she couldn't confront her fears. She's ashamed of herself from drifting away from her previous indignant, confident self.

_She is good, but she lies_

Bernie thinks of the lies she has told herself. Of the times she has lay on her bedroom floor, trying to convince herself that she doesn't feel anything for a woman who is thousands of miles away. Of the times over the years she has cried to herself because she is not perfect, despite how hard she has tried. She thinks of the first time she kissed a girl. Of how that night she spent an hour in the shower, trying to wash away the guilt and self-hatred away from her skin.

_She is hard on herself_

Bernie remembers how Alex told her she was too hard on herself. It was an undeclared tradition that they would stand in the dark each night, sharing a cigarette (and a series of quick, heart racing kisses) whilst talking about the day's work.

"I lost two men today," Bernie whispered, holding back the tears as she takes a draw from her cigarette.

"Oh, Bern, I'm so sorry," Alex replied, dragging her head into her shoulders to muffle Bernie's sobs.

"It's all my fault, I could have tried something else, did mo–" Bernie was interrupted.

"Bernie, you're far too hard on yourself. You do what you can but some people just can't be saved."

Bernie didn't argue with her. Arguing with Alex would be like unleashing a can of worms and, when you live with someone 24/7, it wasn't worth it. So, she continues to cry.

_She is broken and won't ask for help_

When Charlotte was born, Marcus was overjoyed as he was when Cameron was born. He could spend hours cooing at her chubby cheeks and toothless smile but Bernie didn't know what to do. She knew how to change a nappy and the correct way to swaddle but she didn't know how to bond with her. She loved her, of course she did - she was her daughter. But every time she looked in Charlotte's big brown eyes, Bernie just saw everything that was holding her back. And, she hated herself for it.

_And now I've got you  
And you're not what I asked for_

It's three o'clock in the morning when Bernie thinks of all these moments in her life. It's three o'clock in the morning when she starts to sob into her pillow and Serena reaches for her. Serena expects this by now. She knows that Bernie's nights are plagued by unwanted thoughts and memories - her mental scars much deeper than those that line her body.

"It's okay, my love," the brunette whispers, fingers combing through her lover's hair and her lips planting small kisses on her scalp. "You're with me, you're safe with me."

And eventually, Bernie's sobs turn into sniffles and she meekly raises her head to look at Serena. Serena smiles, hands dropping from her head to wipe away the tear tracks on her cheeks.

"I love you," Bernie remarks, smiling slightly.

"I know you do. I love you too."

Life with Serena might not be what she expected but Bernie didn't mind. 

**Author's Note:**

> that was my first attempt at something quite angsty and sad, so i hope you enjoy it. comments make me happy so don't hesitate to leave them. thank you for reading!


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